new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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