I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
