Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Randomize
