I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
