If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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