Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
