the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
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