i will never coherently bang her
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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