Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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