Apparently you make a good broom.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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