the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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