The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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