Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
