i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize