Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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