i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
