the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
