you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Everclear isn't food dammit
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
