she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
