OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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