Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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