Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
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