chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize