Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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