im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize