He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
