I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I just forgot I was standing up.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize