I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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