They should really pass out barf bags in church
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
We had sex on a dog bed..
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize