So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
