we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
