I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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