The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
