You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
