This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
