the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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