I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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