someone threw a dead crab at me
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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