Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
