i don't like sucking hair
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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