just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize