Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I believe in your delicious
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
