He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
Randomize
