The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
