I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
