i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
