I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
You are the jesus of drinking
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
