dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
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