he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
