you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Are the homeless actually allowed to bathe in fountains located on Main Street in downtown Houston? Can Houston TX be so progressive as to condone public bathing?
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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