the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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