Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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