Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
