i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
this beer tastes like vomit already
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I will be naked everywhere
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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