Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
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