If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
