so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
