Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
