he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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