He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
Randomize
