I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize