Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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