my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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