Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
