Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize