I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
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