after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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