she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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