also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
