he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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