I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
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