i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
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