Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
