I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize