I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
