i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
my sisters under your porch take her home
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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